It's been quite the hiatus since I've last written. These last few months I've experienced a roller coaster ride of pain and relief (sometimes even in the same day) that has taught me more things than I can even identify.
For some explanation, this past year I battled with an anxiety disorder that was secretly taking hold of my life and would not let go. I would stay awake at night for hours obsessing over worries I couldn't shake, replaying the what-ifs over and over in my mind until I exhausted myself. I would then wake myself up early to do it all over again, and looking back I never let myself relax. My quiet moments were never quiet. What should have felt like peace unsettled me, and I felt like I was losing touch with myself and reality. I didn't feel like this before, and I couldn't figure out how to get my old self back. I liked myself before I was filled with a quiet panic and I was trying my hardest to get it back. This continued into the summer, where it multiplied and got more and more irrational. This lead me to feel hopeless, and I was waiting for a change I didn't have in me. During this time, I experienced loss after loss after loss of important people in my life, each a substantial blow that hit like a hurricane- hard, fast and out of my control. After my long term relationship split, I lost my childhood dog and had a falling out with people who were really close to me. It was then I was losing tons of weight very quickly, not sleeping and have reoccurring panic attacks. This wasn't how summer was supposed to feel, and the relief I was counting on wasn't coming.
So I took matters into my own hands.
I had lots of time to myself to think about what was going on and I came to realize many things.
1.) It's not worth it to over analyze your life. It's fleeting, so have fun where you are or change it, because it's honestly changing anyway.
2.) Never take for granted unwavering support. The people who support you in your life are the ones who chose to because they are the ones who care about you and want the best for you. Never underestimate when a good friend checks in, because even if you think they feel obligated to ask, if they didn't care about the answer they would not ask. So value the effort, because it does not have to be there.
3.) If you need help, get it. I cannot stress this enough. Know your limits and know when too much is too much and when it is, get help. I've been medicated for about a month now and I feel like myself again. That is something that won't resolve on my own, and I'm blessed to have found a solution. This applies to any problem you may have- find help if you need it, and don't worry about the future. Chances are you are better off with taking action.
4.) Don't wallow. I've never felt better after wallowing. If you hit your lonely nights (which everyone does) then do what you can to make yourself happier. Watch something to cheer yourself up. Make yourself a cup of tea, re-watch a show or movie you know you love. Something that reminds you that loneliness passes, and sometimes it's just better to smile and let it pass. I've watched more New Girl and The Office than I can count....and I love it.
5.) Love the people and places around you. I learned to see people differently and I've come to appreciate my loved ones a lot more recently, and what I love about them makes me happier. I've come to a great understanding with my mom, and I honestly feel that we've never been closer. That is an incredible feeling.
6.) Love yourself. You cannot love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. This is absolutely crucial- you cannot heal from anything until you stop beating yourself up over things you can't control. Accept you, then you can accept everything else as it comes by. Otherwise you'll just attribute it to yourself.
7.) Be Beyonce. Whatever that means to you.
8.) Listen to music that makes you feel like Beyonce.
This is the strongest I've ever been in my life, and I cannot wait to see where this next year takes me. Because this is going to be good.
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